Copyright © Nicole Weber Crowley 2011

My Ectopic Pregnancy Gone Horribly Wrong

It was this weekend.  It was President’s Day Weekend…

I was pregnant!  We were thrilled… But my HCG levels were low, so something wasn’t quite right.

I didn’t miscarry, as my doctor said I might, so I was hopeful that my pregnancy would get better.  Then, Sunday evening I was cramping up so much that I wanted to call the doctor… but didn’t, at first.

I’ve survived another medical trauma at the start of my 20s, so I think of myself as tough.

Then a started to get a sharp pain under my right breast… so I called the doctor.  I have since learned that this is, to quote reference books, ‘an ominous sign’ as it means blood is tracking up the abdominal cavity…

The on-call doctor called me back and immediately apologized for being happily distracted- his sister was in labor at the hospital.  I told him about the pain, and he quickly suggested I send my husband out for Pepto-Bismol, and to wink, wink, ‘toughen up’.

So I did.  And my husband did.  And I took the Pepto-Bismol…

That night pain kept waking me up… and at about 6 in the morning my husband was jolted awake by a thud in the bathroom.  He looked around and didn’t see me.  He ran into the bathroom and I lay unconscious on the floor.

He called the doctor and got me to the nearest hospital.  I was quickly wheeled into the sonogram room and after numerous attempts to find a baby, a doctor was called in and said, and I quote,

“All I can see is blood.”

Everything went quickly then.  Orderlies were running with my stretcher.  I was prepped in a hallway awaiting surgery, all the while, nurses covering me with heated blankets, because I was shivering so much from the loss of blood… 1,2,3,4,5 blankets were covering me and still I shook.

Ectopic means “out of place.” In an ectopic pregnancy, a fertilized egg has implanted outside the uterus. The egg settles in the fallopian tubes in more than 95% of ectopic pregnancies, as was my case.  The fallopian tube does not have space or nurturing tissue as a uterus does, for a pregnancy.  As the fetus grows, it will eventually burst the tube, which causes internal bleeding and eventually, if not treated, death.  A classic ectopic pregnancy cannot develop into a live birth.

So there I was, bleeding internally, being wheeled into the OR.  My husband had tears in his eyes and said only 3 words,

“DON’T    LEAVE    ME.”

I didn’t want to, but I was SO   TIRED…  not the kind of tired you feel when you need a good night’s sleep, I was exhausted.  I felt like all the systems in my body were slowing down, slowly, slowing down…

And then I had a moment of clarity and it hit me, ‘This is BAD.  I’m bleeding to death.’

They put me on the operating table, I remember HOW COLD I was.  The nurse looked down at me and told me they would help me; she had beautiful blue eyes and the light was coming down around her face and I thought she looked like Mary.  And I was comforted.

The anesthesiologist told me to count backward from 100, and I almost did.  Then I stopped myself for only a moment, took all the strength I had left, and screamed inside my head,

“Please God, do not let me go out this way.  I have fought too hard for life.  Please, not this way.”

And I started counting- 100, 99, 98… fade to black.

A few days later, a few more little scares, and I was feeling pretty good- believe it or not.  I was at home and relaxing, because I couldn’t do much else… and I was so grateful to be okay!

A couple more days went by and just for a moment I thought back to that ultrasound…

‘All I can see is blood’.  And I started crying.

Then I wept.  And I wept… for my baby, for my baby that never got a chance…

Almost 2 years later I delivered my healthy and happy son.  He gives us such joy and he makes me laugh,

and sometimes I’m amazed by how wise he is beyond his years…

And on those occasions, I allow myself to believe that he is blessed with an extra little angel, who is always looking out for him.

* Trust your instincts.  Get immediate medical attention if you are pregnant and in pain.

* Ectopic pregnancy is the leading cause of death for a mother in her first trimester of pregnancy.

The BananaBlueberry Bits Book – Chapter 13 – Fear

Fear is dangerous because fear can make us terribly insecure.
If we are fearful, we may latch onto control.  The immediate grasp we make for control, while afraid, is merely a desperate grab for a return to rational thinking.
Fear only exists in an irrational world.

Occasionally, fear can’t be helped.
The important concept to remember is to identify fear.
We shouldn’t be afraid to acknowledge that fear may exist in us.
For when we look fear in the eye, fear itself becomes afraid.
It avoids eye contact.  It relishes unspoken assumptions.

Also, instilling fear into other people makes it easier to gain control over them.
If fear consumes someone they may look to be told what to do as the easy way out, for then they don’t have to deal with the uncertainty, the fear.
Just look at world history.
Usually bad leaders have come to power in the midst of fear and uncertainty.
Fear unconsciously causes people to let down their guard.

Don’t Be Afraid.

The BananaBlueberry Bits Book – TRUTHS – Chapter 12 – Different

Everybody’s different.

We are not clones or drones in the beehive of life.
We have to recall the true definition of the word different.
The definition of different does not include the word superior or the word inferior.
Different is simply unalike.
The world would be a much happier place if scientists, doctors, lawyers, teachers, farmers, mothers, fathers, ministers, politicians and everyone else reminded themselves of this definition… often.

Different doesn’t mean better.
Different doesn’t mean worse.
Why do some people get so anxious and uncomfortable when someone comes into their world who is different from them?
Is it because they don’t have a point of reference?  Do they feel control slipping away?

Think, if only for a moment, about our country, our world, where people just remembered this simple definition.
And didn’t feel threatened by someone who isn’t just like them.
We can get there by knowing what we believe in, what we hold true and what we value.
After we are comfortable, I mean really comfortable with ourselves, it’s easier to be comfortable with others.

…New information can sometimes be jolting.

It’s jolting because it may show that something we thought was correct really isn’t.
Truth can be jolting also.
But, that doesn’t mean truth is bad.
When we have the truth, we can begin.
We can begin to live.
It doesn’t matter what official religion you belong to, or what shade you are, or your hair color, your weight, your height, your nationality, your physical deformities, or your medical history.  In fact, we run into trouble when we define who people are by these outward appearances.  Because that must mean that we think there is nothing inside… or that we aren’t paying attention to their insides.

Thank God people are different…

Revolutionary ideas wouldn’t exist.
Whenever someone would come up with one we’d all nod our heads matter-of-factly and agree.
No need for the word revolutionary anymore.

I wouldn’t enjoy being a 5 foot tall brunette nearly as much-
if everyone else looked that way.
Being 5 feet tall makes me a little different.
This puts me on an even keel with everyone else
and yet unique,
as we all are.

Everyone is equal;
everyone has potential for greatness.

ALL are equal.  NONE are the same.

Quotable Friday

“Do Or Do Not,

There Is No Try.”

-Yoda

The BananaBlueberry Bits Book – TRUTHS – Chapter 11 – The Vietnamese Baby

I look like my father.

I don’t look like my blond, blue-eyed mother.

I have dark hair and dark almond eyes like most of the family members in my father’s Hungarian clan.

The United States Army helped my father pay for an undergraduate degree, a masters degree and a PHd.  He re-paid them with service.

This brings us to a sunny, afternoon officers’ picnic in San Antonio, Texas.  They were stationed at Fort Sam Houston.

My parents dressed me to the nines and my mom cradled me in her arms, showing me off to all the wives, as is every mother’s right.  One such wife approached my mother with a smile,

“What a beautiful baby,” the woman genuinely gushed.

My mom beamed as she thanked the woman.  Then the woman, tentatively grinning and touching my mother’s arm added,

“How wonderful of you, during this time of the Vietnam War, to find it in your heart to adopt a Vietnamese child.”

My mom was a little taken aback by the stranger’s mistake.  But still smiling, she looked down at me and then up at the woman.  She didn’t know what to say…

“Thank you,” my mother continued,

“We love her like she’s our own.”

My mother didn’t even deal with the woman’s assumption or ignorance.  She thought that maybe that woman’s mind and views would become a little broader by her answer.

I understand that some people will see what they want to see.  And it’s best not to be dissuaded by those people.  My mom wasn’t.  She and my dad were so delighted to have a healthy child at all.

Accept love for what it is: a gift.

Looks are insignificant.  Our souls are all the same.

Beauty comes in many different packages and everyone’s definition is different.

Some people get more beautiful the longer we know them…

That is love’s, that is affection’s beauty.