The BananaBlueberry Bits Book- Chapter 3 – Peeing, The Moment That Really Changed My Life
It was night-time at The National Rehabilitation Hospital in Washington, D.C. The only sound was the air circulating through the hospital vent. I lay on the white, fitted sheet of my bed. I looked out at Washington, as I had done so many times before. I wasn’t in a specific mood. I just lay there. The few stars in the night sky gave me hope. I don’t know why. I couldn’t wish on any of them, I had tried before and it didn’t work. I mused about all of my progress, but my mouth forgot to smile at the thought. I expected all those advances in myself.
My brain had kicked in somewhat. Different points of my body and in my body were starting to acknowledge that they recognized me. Various muscles were starting to accept invitations from my brain, instead of slamming the door in its face. Signals began to be correctly identified by my bladder. Previously, I hadn’t gone at all. How could I, when messages to go weren’t getting down there? I never had any accidents, because my bladder didn’t know it was supposed to release anything.
Finally, I was able to go to the bathroom on my own. No more nurses coming in a couple of times a day to insert a catheter in me and drain out my urine. It was liberating. It was stupendous. Getting the ability to go to the bathroom back was as good as you might imagine.
There was just one little stipulation. I couldn’t get out of bed by myself and I wasn’t very steady yet in the walking department, so I had to ring a nurse when I needed to go. He or she would then help me the five feet or so to my bathroom. Obviously, modesty was a luxury I did without in the hospital. I accepted it. I was too busy with my other priority of healing.
That night I felt the urge to go. I looked down on the white bar to my left and searched for the bell picture. I found and pressed it. That would signal a nurse to come to my room. During the day nurses were walking around everywhere, but it was night. Even the lights were a bit darker. There weren’t many sounds, like all the patients had mysteriously died or something. How could I not hear anything? Patients were in all the rooms surrounding me. Visiting hours were over.
I waited. Then I pressed the button for the nurse again. I was a little excited to go to the bathroom. It was still new to me. Every time I went on my own, it put a smile on my face. I waited and waited. I was okay, I thought. My urge to go wasn’t overtaking me yet. At this point, I was happy I had an urge at all. I pressed the button again and looked out to the hallway, not a soul was in sight.
I couldn’t hold it anymore. I tried. Damn, I tried…
I urinated all over myself.
The worst was the first moment of surrendering to the urge, that feeling of being demoralized.
Then, I couldn’t even move out of it.
I had so little control over my body that I couldn’t move myself out of my own urine.
I felt diminished down to a life form lower than humans.
I felt like an animal.
At that moment I needed something, some type of hope. I tried to look on the bright side.
“At least I know my life cannot get any worse.” I thought. There was no way it could get worse.
“You’ve reached your low point.” My mind told me.
“This sure as hell better be my low point!” I screamed back to my brain, inside my head.
I couldn’t take going any lower.
That moment was my Life-Changer…
Right then and there, I decided in One Clear Thought-
‘I’m getting better and I’m walking out of this hospital.’
There was No question, No fuzziness, No alternative.
The THOUGHT was so clear.
My Mind was made up.
‘I am ‘coming back’, or I will die trying.’ And the ‘die trying’ was not an alternative either.
And I am never, Ever, peeing on myself again.
Control…
We can equate having control with happiness… I thought control equaled strength. But control isn’t about making the loudest noise or about being strong. Control is actually about what Marcus Aurelius talked about,
“The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are.”
I realized that I don’t know all the answers, I never will. I took a deep breath and admitted this to myself.
Miraculously, I felt a lot braver.
And Bravery was something I was going to need. I had a lot of work to do…
and there was No alternative.
Copyright © Nicole Weber Crowley 2010
*Click On The BananaBlueberry Bits Book in my Navigation Bar Above,
to read previous chapters and the Introduction*
My GREAT Black Friday Shopping Experience !!
This is a post a originally did for DC Metro Moms, last year. I’m posting it again because I had SUCH A GREAT TIME SHOPPING on Black Friday last year. I’m going out again this year too!
Well, I finally did it. I went against years of eye rolling and head shaking… and I joined the shoppers in the early morning on Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving.
I had previously sworn off Christmas shopping even on weekends- due to crowds. I had always shopped strictly on weekdays, when parking is easy and crowds are… nonexistent.
But the deals that were being advertised got me, and the desire to surprise my parents with a laptop computer this Christmas…
So there I was, dropped off on the sidewalk in front of Staples… at 7:45am.
(Please; I wouldn’t forgo regular sleep for shopping; 7:45 was early enough.)
I walked in. People were shopping, but it wasn’t crazy. I was told there was a ‘laptop area’, approached it, and within a few minutes I was being helped.
Every employee was really well informed, and helpful. The assistant manager who helped me with the laptop, also helped me find the 50%-off shredder I had seen in the paper (my gift to myself- I’ve always wanted a paper shredder for some reason AND I got it in ’sapphire’- gotta love Christmas shopping.)
Then, I got up to the cashier- with my crazy-discounted laptop, the discounted wireless mouse, and my 50%-off sapphire paper shredder- and the assistant manager starts in on what I think is going to be the ’strong sell’…
“Do you need a new printer to go with your laptop?”
“No.” I firmly, but nicely replied.
Then the cashier and assistant manager exchanged almost embarrassed looks…
And the cashier looked at me and said,
“They’re five dollars.”
What? What did she mean? I thought I heard her wrong… But it turned out that when you bought a laptop during ‘early bird’ hours on Black Friday, you could also get a new printer for $5, or a wireless, touchpad printer for $15.00.
… So I got the wireless touchpad printer for our computer room for fifteen dollars!!
My guys had decided against going to Dunkin’ Donuts and instead found a parking space right in front of the store, and walked in- just in time for us all to carry packages out to the car!
Success! For a moment, I thought I heard trumpets playing…
I was so inspired- I did something I wasn’t planning on doing, in fact, I never thought I’d do it-
I told my husband and my son to do some male bonding … and I WENT BACK OUT SHOPPING!
I went to Toys R US next-
It was busy, but so well organized! There were tons of helpful employees, the checkout was incredible, almost no wait- one line, specially made for Black Friday, and a guy pointing out clear cashiers… And last but not least- a young man whose sole job was passing out complimentary boxes of new 64 crayon sets!
I was having such a great time… I went to 4 more stores !!!!
I got some GREAT deals!
And people were nice, not crazy.
I think I just may do this again next year, I almost feel like the ‘Shopping Scrooge’ who has been enlightened, and now sees the error in their ‘previous shopping ways’…
Black Friday Shopping-
Another tradition has begun!!!!
Quotable Friday
“There’s no such thing as bad weather,
only different kinds of good weather.”
The BananaBlueberry Bits Book – Chapter 2 – A View Out a Window
Being in a hospital is lame. LIVING in a hospital is worse.
One night in particular sticks out in my mind-
I was settling in after my family left for the day. Visiting hours were over, and the phone rang.
It was my two college roommates. They called to say hi. I asked them about school, good old Miami University. One went into a rant about a bothersome exam. The other complained about a professor. Not much else was going on at school, they told me I wasn’t missing much. They were just going to classes, parties on the weekends, the usual.
I knew what they were doing. They were trying to make me feel like a part of Miami. I listened gratefully.
We hung up a little while later. My heart ached.
‘Give me feeling! Give me pain, anything!’
I felt so fuzzy still; I couldn’t form an individual thought. Everything in my brain kind of melded together. I was the embodiment of melancholy… not because our conversation was over, but because I didn’t, I couldn’t, have their difficulties.
‘I would love those problems,’ I thought.
‘I would love to be cramming for an exam. I would love to be at the library, up late studying, walking over to the vending machine, getting a soda, seeing someone else I knew down the studying corridor, nodding my head to them, grinning,
and secretly relishing being able to do all those things on my own…’
Wow.
What a dream.
As I lay in my hospital bed, unable to move the right side of my body, I turned my head to the left.
I could now see out the window of my hospital room. What an amazing view! Washington, D.C. seemed to be sparkling. The Capitol dome glistened in the background, looking like an elderly statesman, surveying his kingdom. It was all right outside my window… But it was so far away.
“God, let me have those problems again,” I pleaded.
I repeated it many times. I begged God to let me experience life again. All I wanted was to go back to college, back to a routine, back to normalcy.
Going begging to God to give you a problem is a humbling act. It hurt. I’ve never been as humble in my life as I was in that hospital bed. All of the times I wanted to move, but couldn’t or I wanted to say something, but couldn’t; all of those moments changed me.
We only need to experience it for a moment to look at life differently.
I just wanted to be independent again. But as I hung up the phone receiver I honestly could not imagine that yet.
I wished I had just broken a bone or two, or all of my bones. I reasoned that even if I had broken all of my bones they would mend eventually and people wouldn’t question my intelligence, my reactions or my mind… Or maybe it was me who was questioning…
With bones it’s one or the other, it’s broken or fixed, it’s still tender or it’s cured.
I remembered what my parents had told me about my coma. They said the nurses in the Intensive Care Unit called me ‘Sleeping Beauty’. I didn’t have a scratch on me, not one scratch. My hair lay perfectly, just curling up a little on the ends. I hadn’t even chipped a nail.
They told my mother I looked like I was taking a nap and would wake up at any moment.
‘Sleeping Beauty’, what a caustic description. I appeared fine on the outside, but inside I was so messed up.
I guess I had that in common with many people at different moments in their lives. So many human beings go through some kind of heartache at one point or another, yet they look fine when we see them, as we talk to them. The depiction I gave of vibrant health merely resting is a lesson in itself.
We must be mindful of how we treat people, for although they look great, they may not be great on the inside.
What I wouldn’t have given during that time for every inch of my skin to be scratched and torn instead of my insides, my brain, my mind being scratched and torn…
I didn’t want to just look out a window…
And then, I started to fight.
How dare someone think that I couldn’t make it back. It was my life! This was my only shot. I was only going around once. I had to make it count.
I knew this was going to be hard… Yet, for all the hardship, I already knew that I was blessed to be in a very elite club.
Everybody in our club understands the Catch-22 of human existence.
This Catch-22 is suffering, in order to appreciate every detail of life and accomplish greatness.
We are all reluctant members of this club. For to gain membership, we have all traipsed through hell. Having been in that literally, God forsaken place, we now truly appreciate-
The beauty of a bullfrog,
A breeze at our backs,
The sound of a wave crashing,
People,
Magic shows,
A funny song,
Tasting peanut butter and potato chip sandwiches,
Tears,
A kind word,
A tender movie,
A genuine belly laugh,
A birthday party,
Snow,
Our families,
Our children,
and
Ourselves.
Copyright © Nicole Weber Crowley 2010
*Click On The BananaBlueberry Bits Book in my Navigation Bar Above,
to read previous chapters and the Introduction*
Quotable Friday
“Nurture your mind with great thoughts;
to believe in the heroic
makes heroes.”
The BananaBlueberry Bits Book – Chapter 1- The Beginning
December 26th, 1989.
That day, one moment in that day began my tutorial on life, the best and the worst of it.
It was my World Series. My Series went to all 7 games. It wasn’t a week, or a month, or even a year. It was longer. I went down to the bottom of the ninth many times. I had many full-counts. But the one time in my life when it counted, I didn’t choke. I hit a grand-slam homer..
rounding the bases was the hard part.
Now, I can walk and talk just like everyone else. I’ve been busy with career moves in TV, radio and print. I fell in love with a wonderful man and married him. And now, we have a beautiful son.
This book isn’t a guidebook for the cheerleaders of life. This book will not tell you that life is always perfect or fun. I won’t teach you how to jump up and down when life gives you lemons.
Everyone has bad days. Everybody cries.
The subsequent pages demonstrate the extraordinary in the ordinary, the extraordinary in us all. They will make you smile, there will be lessons for you to learn (or just be reminded of), reasons not to lose faith (in God, our world,
and most importantly, ourselves)
and a toast to a heightened level of awareness (wake up)!
I realize that the word, ‘miracle’ is a strong, important word. But we’re talking about our lives here. Our lives are a big deal; through the course of our lives we discover what we can add to the world, how to better mankind and the strength that is within us.
If that’s not important and vital, I honestly don’t know what is.
I’m a realist. We all live miracles, every day.
Copyright © Nicole Weber Crowley 2010
Quotable Friday
“Be yourself;
everyone else is already taken.”
The BananaBlueberry Bits Book! Introduction
20 Years ago, I was in a terrible car accident. I was driving and slid on ice, covered up with snow. It was the day after Christmas. I was flown to Suburban Hospital and sunk into a coma. When I awoke, I was unaware that the right side of my body was paralyzed. My lungs had collapsed and a couple of ribs were broken. Hey, but other than that- I was fine.
I didn’t have a scratch on me and by everyone’s accounts, my hair and nails still looked good.
I learned to walk, talk and write again. And I learned how to use other parts of my brain to improve my memory, which I lost temporarily.
10 years ago I wrote a book about what I learned from my experience. I wrote about observations on life and human nature and how I got inspired from my accident and recovery…
It was over 250 pages and it. wasn’t. very. good. It was never published (surprise!).
It was overwritten.
I put my manuscript in a drawer and left it there over the past decade.
Recently, I edited that 252 page book. I turned 40 and decided that I’m just doing what I love from now on, for the rest of my life.
So, I just took out the good stuff-
a sentence here, a thought there, a story here, a lesson there.
And Here It Is!
It’s the BananaBlueberry Bits Book!
I’m publishing a new chapter every Wednesday (sometimes people need some inspiration to get ‘over the hump’). All the chapters are short. The whole book is about 50 pages…
So tune in every Wednesday!
Copyright © Nicole Weber Crowley 2010
The Ultimate Ribbon Outlet … And it’s in Hagerstown, MD!!
I have found Nirvana…
And it is called the Berwick Offray Ribbon Outlet in Hagerstown, MD!
That’s right- one of the Top Ribbon Manufacturers in the entire country is located in Hagerstown, MD… and they have this outlet too!
Look at my picture- do you know how much I spent on all this ribbon…
$23.00!!
The little spools of paper ribbon were 5 cents a ROLL!
Most of the larger fabric ribbon spools were $1.25 a ROLL, except for the grey, big one on the left -
which was … 50 cents!!
I ’splurged’ on the green and brown polka dot ribbon spool ($10).
I completely over-did it, I have enough ribbon to wrap all my Christmas presents, birthday presents, house-warming presents, and more… for a long, long time,
but when over-spending is… $23 dollars- it’s all good!
Thanks to the Carroll County Times for EXACT directions!
This outlet is EASY to get to- To get to the Berwick Offray Ribbon Outlet Store, take 270 North to Interstate 70 to Hagerstown. Get off at exit 29, Md. 65 North, Sharpsburg Pike. (This is the same exit you’d take for Prime Outlets, so visit them after going to Berwick; they’re only about five minutes apart.) As you head north on Md. 65, you’ll pass Prime Outlets, three schools and a Sheetz. Make a right turn onto Wilson Boulevard at the traffic light. Go to the end of Wilson (there’s a Food Lion in Kenley Village on the right) and make a left at the light onto Frederick Street, Alternate U.S. 40. Make the first right after you turn onto Frederick at Willow Circle Drive and proceed to the end of the street. You’ll see the outlet store at the end of the factory building on the right, and their parking lot is right in front of the store.
Berwick is open from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Friday and 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. on Saturdays. Their phone number is 301-745-4714 and you can e-mail them at offrayout let@berwickoffray.com to check on sales or to sign up for their e-mail newsletter, or sign up when you visit the store.
They accept Visa MasterCard, Discover and American Express. All sales are final, no refunds and no exchanges.
Now Get Thee to Thy Ribbon Outlet!
It’s so fun,
and like mentioned above,
The Hagerstown Prime Outlets are right there too!!
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